Sunday, 30 August 2009

Then I fell

I can hardly drag my foot up the stairs. It isn't the foot, it's the muscle in the left calf that won't engage and hold in place in order for me to lift the foot. I can slide the foot and going down stairs is easy if I edge it to the end of each step and then kind of throw it over. But to raise the foot even a fraction I need to grab the muscle of the upper thigh, supporting or more like cradling the knee joint as well and hoist it up. Once the foot touches new ground I can sway forward through the hip joint, then hoist myself up using arm strength and a good deal of hand pressure on the bannisters and rock myself into place, lowering down on the outbreath. Than again I need to raise up and let fall back down the leg and it's dangling foot in order that a further placement becomes possible. Thinking through this manoever as I am doing it makes of the usual rotary a series of planes that come up against one another but never actually bend into the on-going trigger-release of walking. The overlong stoppages make it doubly exhausting to generate the momentum in order to get going once again. Consequeently my upper back and chest seem to seize up quite regularly. My neck is taught from straining forward and the muscles in the back of my neck are churning over on themselves into a thick rubbery mass. On my brow there is sweat. I begin to laugh at myself. Yesterday I was skating over smooth ice at incredible speed with my niece to the sound of chart hits. There was an old man dressed impecably in a dark blue velvet suit and a white bow tie teaching ballroom dancing on ice to a woman. Than I fell.

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